My deck of cards - week 24

I have a really bad habit. Or - hopefully I soon can say 'had'... I'll try to explain for you.

I'm that kind of person who always think that in order to feel worthy, I first have to DO something that is worthy. A wise friend of mine had an excellent theory about this:

There are two different kind of 'values':
1. The value of your 'doings' and
2. The value of you being

I'm that kind of person who 'measures' myself based on the first kind of values. On what I'm good at doing - or mostly on what I'm NOT good at... Bad habit.

The last week I haven't done anything at all! Both body and mind screamed for a rest. So did the weather (+30 celcius is quite unusual in icebearswalkinginthestreetsNorway, you know...!) And, according to my standard way of thinking, this means that I've been totally worthless this week. Without a long list of well-done-escapades I don't deserve just laying in the sun reading wonderful Paolo Coehlo books!

But - the more I tried to do something worth talking about, the stronger my body and mind protested! And for two whole days I did fight. Bad habit.

Until an other wise friend of mine helped me find a new focus. Suddenly I found myself lying in the sun - smiling! Enjoying! And - as usual - thinking. Trying to use my awareness in order to find out what caused the change. And I found that instead of keep telling myself what a lazy, uneffective and therefor unworthy person I am, I managed to focus on just being. Analyzing myself; "I'm lying in the sun. I have no energy. I'm tired. I'm reading. I'm warm... ", and I had no problem finding good explanations either: "I'm lying in the sun because it's way too hot in my office! I have no energy because I've been working too hard for too long. I'm tired because my head is too full of worries and thoughts and keeps me awake all night...."etc.... Then I started focusing on the surroundings; the bright and warm sun, the clear blue sky, the singing birds, the entertaining book, the cold and cooling ice water...

And I concluded: Actually I'm worth the sunshine and the slow motion days! I'm laying in the sun, relaxing and reading wonderful Paolo Coehlo books simply because I deserve it!

I deserve happiness - I'm worth it! Not because of my doings, but simply because of me being myself.

(Okey, a part of me is moaning in deep embarrassment while writing these 'hallelujah' conclusions... 'because I'm worth it!' Blah! Hard to believe and even harder to say out loud. Feels like I'm bragging... but, a small part of me actually believes that I'm worthy some happiness - not based on my doings. And I like the thought. Makes me wanna smile. So, I'll make another and not so distinct conclusion: I like the feeling of happiness, and I do deserve a piece of it from time to time!)