My deck of cards - week 26

My deck of cards - week 25

Red days make me angry. The period only reminds me of all my losses and the fact that my body is not working as I'd like it to...


The statue of the child is one of Vigeland's famous art work. You can see it in Vigelandsparken (The park of Vigeland) in Oslo. It's called "Sinnataggen" (means hot-blooded)...

My deck of cards - week 24

I have a really bad habit. Or - hopefully I soon can say 'had'... I'll try to explain for you.

I'm that kind of person who always think that in order to feel worthy, I first have to DO something that is worthy. A wise friend of mine had an excellent theory about this:

There are two different kind of 'values':
1. The value of your 'doings' and
2. The value of you being

I'm that kind of person who 'measures' myself based on the first kind of values. On what I'm good at doing - or mostly on what I'm NOT good at... Bad habit.

The last week I haven't done anything at all! Both body and mind screamed for a rest. So did the weather (+30 celcius is quite unusual in icebearswalkinginthestreetsNorway, you know...!) And, according to my standard way of thinking, this means that I've been totally worthless this week. Without a long list of well-done-escapades I don't deserve just laying in the sun reading wonderful Paolo Coehlo books!

But - the more I tried to do something worth talking about, the stronger my body and mind protested! And for two whole days I did fight. Bad habit.

Until an other wise friend of mine helped me find a new focus. Suddenly I found myself lying in the sun - smiling! Enjoying! And - as usual - thinking. Trying to use my awareness in order to find out what caused the change. And I found that instead of keep telling myself what a lazy, uneffective and therefor unworthy person I am, I managed to focus on just being. Analyzing myself; "I'm lying in the sun. I have no energy. I'm tired. I'm reading. I'm warm... ", and I had no problem finding good explanations either: "I'm lying in the sun because it's way too hot in my office! I have no energy because I've been working too hard for too long. I'm tired because my head is too full of worries and thoughts and keeps me awake all night...."etc.... Then I started focusing on the surroundings; the bright and warm sun, the clear blue sky, the singing birds, the entertaining book, the cold and cooling ice water...

And I concluded: Actually I'm worth the sunshine and the slow motion days! I'm laying in the sun, relaxing and reading wonderful Paolo Coehlo books simply because I deserve it!

I deserve happiness - I'm worth it! Not because of my doings, but simply because of me being myself.

(Okey, a part of me is moaning in deep embarrassment while writing these 'hallelujah' conclusions... 'because I'm worth it!' Blah! Hard to believe and even harder to say out loud. Feels like I'm bragging... but, a small part of me actually believes that I'm worthy some happiness - not based on my doings. And I like the thought. Makes me wanna smile. So, I'll make another and not so distinct conclusion: I like the feeling of happiness, and I do deserve a piece of it from time to time!)

My deck of cards - week 23

I'd like to learn how to enjoy a trip with the roller coaster! I don't know how many times I've been watching these big and scary things - with big and scared eyes! They are so huge! And yet so fragile! With enormous ups and downs. And some of them even have 'wheels' that leaves you hanging up side down for some seconds! I can feel my stomach turn a somersault right now - only by the thought of it! I'm the kind of girl that gets dizzy if I turn my head around a little too fast... And still I'd love to love a trip with the roller coaster!

A part of me loves the straight and endless highways. The ones with no ups or downs, no curves and no unexpected turns. These roads make life simple. I'm in complete control, knowing exactly what to expect for the next hundred miles. I can turn on the cruise control and just relax...

...and die of boredom!

So, another part of me long for action! Striving for the spectacular view from the high tops. Aching for the intoxicating feelings that fill my body while standing on top of the world!

But, in order to get there, the ups are necessary. And without the downs there would be no new coming highs.

Yeh, a part of me would like to remain the quiet and safe girl who stands with both feet on ground, staring at the big roller coaster from a safe distance. Another part of me is dying to bury the fear deep down in Sahara, throw the need of control in the Black Sea and enter the first wagon in the roller coaster with a huge smile on my face, knowing that I've decided to LIVE, LOVE and ENJOY!

That's what I'd like to learn: to LIVE, LOVE and ENJOY life! Both the ups, the tops and the downs. Freakin' scary, but oh, so exciting!